Interview : Single Mum With 2 Child (Singapore)

“In this day and age, there is no such thing as gay, straight, lesbian or labels like that. You like that person, you go with that person.” – Kumar, local comedian and drag queen extraordinaire.

Can a person’s romantic inclinations go beyond borders and redefine one’s sexual orientation? Is (romantic) love… genderless? It’s scientifically proven that we’re all born bisexual, but our sexual orientation is conditioned by too many factors that we shall not discuss in this article.

I spoke to my friend Angelina recently, divorced with 2 kids and currently dating Ellen, a butch. I was curious to find out how she finds balance between being in a lesbian relationship and raising 2 children with her ex-husband.

Women are obviously more capable of emotion than men, but a mother’s love is an amazing thing. Mothers will try her best to make a failing marriage work for the sake of her children. She will put aside her material longings to make sure the children are fed. I wonder how life would be for a child with 2 mothers.

Tell us more about your dating history. Have you ever dated or been attracted to women?

No, I’ve always dated guys. I was young, and when things didn’t work out I move on to the next guy. I’ve always been jumping from one relationship to another, hoping and wanting to find the right person. I think everybody wants companionship, someone to understand and complement them. Almost like finding your soul mate.

Why did you think your previous marriage did not work out?

At that time, my expectations were very high and unrealistic. I never had a family, and my dad was never around. So I told myself that when I have my own family the father has to be there 100% for the kids. And well, he wasn’t. He is a very individualistic person, he knows how to enjoy life and connect with people. All I wanted was for him to be connected to the family all the time, and that’s clearly not what he had in mind. So, the more I demanded, the more I unconsciously pushed him away. He’s not a bad person, and I have no resentment towards him.

How did Ellen and you start dating?

We met at work and we got to know each other better. We started dating after 4 months. She didn’t pop the question like “hey you want to date me?” She just made it known that she liked me. We didn’t really pose a question to each other it just progressed naturally.

How is your relationship with Ellen different from the guys you’ve dated?

She’s very sweet. She takes care of me and she’s very concerned with my well being. I don’t know if it’s just my perception, but if a guy was “sweet” in a conventional sense, to me he’s kind of a loser. I’ve always had a thing for “bad boys” but you won’t find a “bad boy” who is sensible and understanding. Ellen is quite brash, and I’m very amused by her rogue-ish demeanor. In the relationship however, she puts in so much effort and she keeps her Sundays free for my kids and I. She makes me a better person, and she makes me happy. Of course when you love a person you’re happy!

Even the kids say so! They used to give me so much problems because I was always chain smoking, and constantly stressed out. I lost a lot of weight, and I kept my distance from them. I guess I felt guilty that I couldn’t provide them with a conventional wholesome family. I also pushed them away because I couldn’t bear sending them back to my ex’s house after the weekends are over. They would beg me to stay the night with them and ask “why do we have to go now?”

Have you introduced your kids to Ellen and do they hang out when you’re together?

She’s become best friends with the boy right from the start. With the girl however, she was more cautious. My daughter is very discerning and she asked me “mummy, why does she look like a boy?” Ellen and I had a chat, and we decided that things are going to be tough if the girl doesn’t like her. But what can I say, Ellen is great with kids! After awhile the girl warmed up to her and now she’s my babysitter. She plays games with the kids and I have time to unwind and have a drink.

It’s hard to explain to the kids the nature of our relationship. So for now “Aunty Ellen” is my “best friend”. We’re going to let the kids grow up to be comfortable with Ellen and then we can tell them the truth when they’re older.

Can you describe how you felt when you guys first kissed.

It wasn’t flowers and stars. It was a bit weird like “woah this is something different, I’m kissing a girl!” It was weird, not in a gross kind of way, just different. At the end of it, it was like kissing a very nice human being.

If you had it your way, what would be the ideal storyline for your love story from here on?

Me and Ellen spending the rest of our lives together with the kids.

Do you have anything to say to people who are struggling with their sexuality?

The thing is, I’m not the best person to give advice because I don’t think that I’m lesbian. I’m with Ellen because I love her, and she makes me happy. I love her as a person and I cannot imagine being with another girl or anyone else for that matter. She’s my kind of person.

I used to look at lesbians and think, “what do you see in one another?” now I’m like “well, you fall in love with the person’s character”.